Have the difficult conversation – sooner rather than later

DSituations can arise in the workplace that are difficult to handle. It can be about coping at work, capacity to work or the behaviour of a colleague.

Kaisu Behm, occupational health psychologist at the Finnish Institute of Occupational Health, reminds us that difficult issues are part of working life – and therefore we should also address them.

Who can you talk to?

If it concerns a colleague’s behaviour, it is a good idea to raise the issue with the colleague first.

– The general principle is that you should first discuss the matter with the person to whom the situation applies, says Behm.

Issues that concern your own working capacity, energy or work arrangements in general are the responsibility of your superior. They must ensure that work runs smoothly and resources are allocated correctly.

If necessary, the occupational health service, occupational safety and health representative, union representative or your own trade union will help.

– You do not have to be alone with a difficult issue. Even if issues are resolved at the workplace, you can use the occupational health service as support, Behm reminds.

A quiet moment for a conversation

Difficult conversations should not be brought up in passing. It is better to agree on a quiet time and place for the conversation.

– You should not say difficult things in a hurry or too light-heartedly but set aside an appropriate time for it, advises Behm.

Often the best moment is as soon as possible after the incident – for example, the next day if the situation felt wrong or uncomfortable.

Behm emphasizes the importance of face-to-face conversations. If this is not possible, a video meeting can be a good option. Difficult things should not be discussed via messages.

In the conversation, express your feelings and stick to the so-called “I” language.

– You should say “I have felt this way” or “I would like to understand this situation”. Instead, you should not say that “you are always like that”.

The focus should be on the work and what is happening in the workplace, not on the other person. The goal is to make work and collaboration smoother.

– Let’s try to move forward and not just keep raking over old controversies, Behm emphasizes.

What if you are scared of having the conversation?

Many people recognize the situation: hands are shaking in the morning and you feel like cancelling the whole meeting.

Anxiety is often accompanied by avoidance behaviour, says Behm.

– The thought hits you: it would be so much easier to just forget about the whole thing. However, I would encourage you to move toward with things that feel difficult and exciting.

Feeling scared is natural. In a difficult conversation, it is good to remember that it is completely fine to show emotions.

– It doesn’t matter if you cry or get sensitive. Emotions are everywhere, and there is no reason to be afraid of them or hide them.

On the other hand, the conversation can also stir things up in the other party. Corrective feedback often creates a defensive counter-reaction. In that case, keep your calm and listen to what the other person has to say.

– It’s part of the process. The other person wants to be heard and to explain why they acted the way they did, explains Behm.

It’s good to remember that not everything may be resolved at once. If the conversation doesn’t progress or if the other person plays down the problem, the superior or HR manager can be included in the conversation.

It’s also good to distinguish between two things: was I heard vs. was the end result what I wanted.

– Not all end results are always satisfactory for everyone. The conversation may still have been successful if your viewpoint has been heard.

What happens if the issue is not addressed?

The hope that things will get better can tempt us to postpone the discussion.

– We think that “it will be better after the holidays”, describes Behm.

However, problems often only get worse if they are not addressed. Work capacity can decrease, sick leaves increase and trust begins to falter. On the other hand, situations that have been resolved contribute to greater commitment and strengthen the workplace.

– The sooner you address the problems, the better, reminds Behm.

Work culture is crucial

Managing difficult conversations successfully is not only the responsibility of the individual. The workplace culture is also crucial.

– The work culture should be encouraging so that you dare to bring up difficult issues. This requires good daily operations, says Behm.

Common rules, good onboarding and a model for early intervention create the basis for a safe workplace. Everyone should know what is acceptable behaviour at work and how to deal with inappropriate behaviour.

– The superior should do what is expected of employees and set a good example.

Positive feedback is also very important in everyday life. Positive feedback should be given five times more than critical feedback, advises Behm.

– This makes the workplace culture supportive and encouraging. Nevertheless, difficult situations still arise when we humans work together.

Text: Veera Jokinen

Pictures: Getty Images